The true definition of love avatar
Yohan Yuki Xie
 | | 6 minutes read

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These are the ultimate questions about love. Since we all became conscious about love, we tried to define it so we can make a good decision in loving someone. It could be our brother, sister, mother, father, friends, strangers, or that special someone.

We have heard and said that love is blind, love is only a chemical reaction found in our brain, or love is but a fleeting emotion. Some will also say you will know when you are in love if you feel a “tingling sensation” or “butterflies in your stomach”.

But are all these true? Some, maybe, but most are not. If we are relying on these definitions of love and tell-tale signs of being in love, the end result usually is hurting not just ourselves but the other party. So, allow me to tell you about love.

💓 What is love? How do you define love? When can you know you are in love? 💓

Love is blind…

That is a lie. Think about it, if love is blind and one day we start to see, what are we going to find? How would we react to our discovery? Would we still love the person or will we call it quits and hurt the other party?

When we believe that love is blind then there is a 50% chance we may not like the other party as soon as our love can see. Yes, they say that it is because despite the shortcomings of the other party, we still love them, hence, love is blind. But that is the poorest explanation we can ever give to our love one(s). Is it not possible that we love them for who they are? Not because our love is blind but we acknowledge their shortcomings and know that it is what makes them lovable.

Love is not blind. It is the lamest excuse we can give why we love a person.

Love is only a chemical reaction…

Yes, love is a chemical reaction but I do not believe that it is only a brain activity. Science indeed found love and many other emotions showing up in our brains. The experts were even able to identify which part of our brain generates the emotions that we feel. Love, hatred, anger, compassion, name it. That is exactly what our brain is for and what it should do.

However, love goes beyond being only a chemical reaction in our brain. For love to even begin, we pull out from our life long experiences and set a guideline for ourselves on what and who to love. If it was only a brain activity, then we would be no different from the animals who love for the sake of reproduction, of continuing the species.

Are we animals? No. Our intelligence was not the only factor that separates us from them, it is our capability to define love for ourselves based on our experiences, and act on it, meaning, to choose who to love.

In other words, there is no such thing as “love at first sight”, “tingling sensation”, or “butterflies in the stomach”. We love because our experiences and the things we were taught, defined love for us. When we see these characteristics in a person, we begin to analyze it. Later, some take action and expresses their decision by knowing each other deeper.

This also means that waiting for the right guy/girl is a futile effort, a total waste of time. This brings us to the juice of this article…

Love is a Choice and a Decision

This is what love truly means. A choice and a decision. We can control love. We can choose who to love. We make a decision what to do about our love. This is the ultimate difference that we have with the animals. Our capacity to choose and make a decision, to act on it.

The first moment we loved was when we first laid our eyes on our parents. Although most were not conscious of it yet, our brain made a decision for us. The result, we attached our whole existence to our parents. The same can be said to babies who were given away (for whatever reason). Their parent-child love is for their adopted and not biological parents. Hence why some are not happy to meet who their biological parents are, love never existed. They have to consciously make a decision and it is hard.

Likewise in romantic love. Let us be honest. There are many beautiful, good, deserving, desirable, lovable, caring, sweet, romantic, ladies and gentlemen everywhere. At one time or another, we probably imagined ourselves dating them, even as friends (one-way love). Their shortcomings? It did not matter at all because we love them for who they are, not because our love is blind.

Yet, nothing happened. It remained in the dream world. Why? Because we did not choose, we did not make a decision. We did not act on it when it was still a possibility (they were still single). We also dismissed it as “puppy love” or “crush” or “childish wish”, but was it?

“Crush” itself was a choice and a decision. We made a choice that this person was only a crush. We decided that it was so and acted on it. The truth of the matter, we had a choice to pursue it. The reason we did not was either because we were looking down on ourselves or we were afraid of rejecting and pain.

Think about our current relationships, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, special someone, friends, did we not choose these people? Did we not made a decision to be associated and cultivate our relationship with these strangers?

What we feel as love is after we made a choice and a decision, not before that. We thought it was “love at first sight” because we did not understand love back then. We thought it was a “tingling sensation” because we felt giggles and burning in our cheeks. But all these were after the fact. Our brain made a choice and a decision, we simply were not aware of it.

But now that we know better, we can make better choices and decisions too, especially in romantic love. Is it not sweet to hear that our special someone chose to love us despite all the handsome and beautiful gentlemen or ladies out there? Is it not endearing to whisper that “I made a decision to date you”?

In closing

The next question is, “Why me? What made you choose me? How did you come to your decision to love me?” The answer is simple, “Because you are who you are. I love YOU, not my ‘imaginary boy/girl’. I realized, my ‘perfect boy/girl’ was not perfect at all because you showed me what a perfect boy/girl is… YOU!”

And if you have not found someone to this day yet you know deep inside that you do want to have a romantic relationship, then better approach love for what it truly is, you need to choose and you need to make a decision. Do not wait to feel “butterflies in the stomach” because trust me, you are headed on your throne at home, not on someone’s heart.

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Yohan Yuki Xieㆍ사요한・謝雪矢·ᜌᜓᜃᜒIf this is not the end of oblivion, then I shall live everyday as if my life were to end this very day.

The YOOki Chronicles

The YOOki Chronicles is Yohan Yuki Xie’s return into casual and personal blogging. The name “YOOki” is a mash-up of the acronym of YourOnly.One and my nickname ᜌᜓᜃᜒ (Yuki・雪矢).

Interestingly, according to Chinese legend, (YOO) is an ancient Chinese surname. The ancestors of the surname were closely linked with the ancient sage-king named Yu Shun. In Korea, the (YU) lineage traces to the Xia, Han, and Joseon dynasties. Holders of the surname Yu or Yoo had a reputation for charity and diligence.1

It is also the word for “willow” or the “willow tree” which means graceful or slender; and a tree growing near a body of water which provide continuous nourishment and resources for everyone. It can also mean to exist, an oil (anointment(?)), and simply as “U” (you).

The Hanzi (ki) character means to record, be disciplined, provide order. While the Hangeul equivalent, (ki), means energy, spirit, a banner, and a period of time; and is also a suffix used to make a gerund or an infinitive.

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